How to Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship After Menopause

Introduction

Menopause is a big life change, and let’s face it, it can throw a lot of things off balance—physically, emotionally, and yes, sexually. If you’re finding that intimacy in your relationship has shifted (or disappeared completely), you’re definitely not alone. But here’s the good news: it’s totally possible to bring intimacy back, even after menopause. In fact, this phase can be a wonderful opportunity for you and your partner to get creative and reconnect in ways that might surprise you. Let’s dive in!

Understanding What’s Going On

Okay, first things first—let’s acknowledge what’s happening. Menopause brings a whirlwind of changes—lower libido, vaginal dryness, mood swings, brain fog, you name it. These changes can understandably affect how you feel about intimacy. So, don’t be hard on yourself (or your partner!)—it’s natural to experience these shifts. The key is to be aware of them and take small steps to work through them together.

Many of these symptoms start showing up during peri-menopause, which can start as early as ten years before menopause. Yes, that’s right. Women are impacted by hormonal changes due to menopause for what sometimes feels like an eternity.

Open Up and Talk About It

We all know communication is the secret sauce to a happy relationship, right? If you’re struggling with intimacy after menopause, the best thing you can do is talk about it. It may feel a little awkward at first, but trust me—it will bring you closer. Share your feelings, your concerns, and, yes, your desires.

Your partner can’t read your mind (no matter how much both of you might wish they could), so opening up is crucial for improving intimacy. Communication is the thing most couples struggle with, so if it feels awkward at first or your conversation doesn’t resemble a Hallmark movie, hang in there and keep trying.

Talking with your partner about the things that matter to you in your relationship is often harder because most people’s conversation falls into a pattern of talking primarily about the kids, the house, and what I call life administration.

When most of your conversations are about how much money your college student spent on Uber Eats, getting flights to your nephew’s wedding, or your husband’s stinky workout clothes on the floor, it’s tough to suddenly look in your partner’s eyes and say, “Sweetie, I really want to have better sex. Let’s buy a new vibrator.”

Boost Your Emotional Connection

Intimacy after menopause isn’t just about sex. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy—maybe even more so! After menopause, many women find that their emotional needs and relationship dynamics shift. You may feel differently about connection, or perhaps you just want more reassurance and affection.

Take the time to really nurture the emotional bond with your partner. Whether it’s through deep conversations, cuddles on the couch, or simply spending more time together, emotional intimacy can reignite the spark in your relationship.

Here’s a fun fact: Most women need to feel emotionally connected in order to get in the mood for sex. We don’t have a sex switch that we simply flip to get turned on. Emotional intimacy is often the best foreplay to get us turned on.

Rediscover the Power of Touch

When sex feels a little more complicated, touch is your best friend. Whether it’s holding hands, sharing a gentle kiss, or giving each other a simple hug, physical touch is an easy way to reconnect and feel close. And guess what? You don’t have to jump straight into sex to reignite intimacy. Little moments of affection can go a long way in making both you and your partner feel loved and desired.

Take Care of YOU First

Self-care isn’t just a trendy buzzword—it’s a game-changer, especially when it comes to intimacy. Menopause can leave you feeling tired, stressed, and sometimes a little “off,” but taking care of your body and mind can boost your energy and overall mood. Try regular exercise, get enough sleep, eat nutritious foods, and practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing. When you feel better about yourself, sexual intimacy can start to feel a whole lot more inviting.

Lubricants and Moisturizers—Your New Best Friends

Let’s be real—vaginal dryness is a thing, but it doesn’t mean you have to stop having sex. Using lubricants or vaginal moisturizers can make a huge difference. These products are designed to keep things comfortable during sex, and there are tons of options out there, from water-based to silicone-based, so you can find what works best for you. No shame in the game—it’s just part of navigating this new chapter!

But, here’s a word of warning: if penetration and intercourse are painful during peri-menopause or post-menopause, you may need more than just a personal lubricant. You may need to see your doctor to get some type of estrogen-based solution for your dryness.

Here’s why: When you go through menopause, the tissues in your vagina thin out and become drier. It’s part of your vagina aging, just like the rest of your skin ages. That fragile skin tears more easily with penetration, which is a big reason why it hurts. An estrogen-based solution helps the skin in your vagina to become more supple.

I learned this the hard way. Sex after menopause was painful, even though I was turned on and used lube. It literally felt like someone was rubbing sandpaper in my vagina. I shared this with my gynecologist, and she immediately wrote me a prescription that made intercourse pain-free. Thank goodness! I could once again relax and enjoy sex.

I’ve worked with countless women that haven’t told their doctors that sex hurts after menopause. Often, it’s such an easy fix. No one should have to endure painful sex. After all, it’s supposed to be fun!

Get Creative with Intimacy

Who says intimacy has to look the same as it did before menopause? Take this as an opportunity to get creative and explore new ways to be intimate with your partner. Maybe that means trying new kinds of sexual activities (hello, sex toys!) or even finding non-sexual ways to connect that feel just as fulfilling.

I encourage my clients to redefine sex away from intercourse to anything that is pleasurable and connecting. It’s amazing how freeing that can be. The point is, don’t limit yourself—this is the time to get curious and experiment! If you are interested in sex toys, I curated a list of my favorites.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

If you’re feeling frustrated or stuck, it might be time to reach out for some support. Whether it’s a sex therapist, relationship coach, or counselor, talking to a professional can give you both the tools you need to reconnect on a deeper level. Sometimes, just having someone to guide you through the process can make all the difference.

Conclusion

Intimacy after menopause doesn’t have to be a distant memory—it’s totally possible to revamp your relationship and create a more fulfilling connection. With a little patience, communication, and a sprinkle of creativity, you and your partner can reignite the passion and deepen your bond in ways that feel right for you both. Remember, this is a journey, not a destination, so give yourself grace and enjoy the process