Your Partner Has Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

TL;DR

If your partner has erectile dysfunction (ED), it can deeply affect you too—emotionally, relationally, and sexually. Feelings like frustration, hurt, anger, disappointment, and hopelessness are common and valid. ED is not just a “his problem”; it’s a couple’s issue that requires communication, compassion, creativity, and sometimes professional support. With the right approach, many couples not only recover intimacy but build a more satisfying and connected sex life than they had before.

When Erectile Dysfunction Affects You: The Partner’s Experience

If your partner has erectile dysfunction, chances are most of the conversation—both culturally and medically—has focused on him. Supporting him. Encouraging him. Protecting his ego.

But what about you?

What about your needs, your grief, your frustration, and your longing for connection?

Being the partner of someone with ED can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. You may love your partner deeply and still feel lonely, rejected, angry, or unsure about the future of your relationship. These feelings are not selfish or unreasonable. They are human.

I know this personally. My partner and I have walked this road ourselves. And while it was challenging, it ultimately became a turning point—one that transformed our sex life into something far more expansive, playful, and deeply intimate than we ever imagined.

If you’re willing to keep an open mind, that kind of transformation may be possible for you too.

How You Might Be Feeling—and Why It Makes Sense

Frustrated

It can be infuriating when your partner avoids dealing with ED—refusing to see a doctor, try treatment, or make lifestyle changes that could help. You may feel like you’re watching the problem slowly erode your relationship while your partner hopes it will magically disappear.

Meanwhile, you’re left feeling unheard, unsupported, and alone.

Hurt

When intimacy fades, it can feel deeply personal. A partner’s avoidance of touch, affection, or sex often lands as rejection—even when you intellectually understand that ED is the issue.

Many partners silently wonder, “Am I not attractive anymore?” or “If I were sexier, would this be different?”

Let me be clear: his ED is NOT your fault. ED is not caused by your desirability. It is not a reflection of your worth, attractiveness, or sexual appeal.

Disappointed

For some people, intercourse is central to feeling sexually alive and connected. For others, it’s one of many meaningful expressions of intimacy. Either way, it’s painful when ED shuts down all forms of sexual connection.

What’s often most frustrating isn’t the loss of intercourse—it’s the loss of curiosity, effort, and openness to alternatives.

Hopeless

Over time, you may start to fear that this is just how things will be forever. That your sexual needs will remain unmet. That intimacy will always feel tense, fragile, or off-limits.

This sense of hopelessness is especially heavy when your partner seems unwilling or afraid to explore solutions.

Angry (and Maybe Even Jealous)

It’s not uncommon to feel anger when your partner turns to masturbation while avoiding intimacy with you. These feelings are often fueled by insecurity, grief, and unspoken fears—not because masturbation itself is wrong.

Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of sexuality. The pain usually comes from feeling excluded, disconnected, or shut out.

However, extensive pornography use while masturbating can contribute to erectile dysfunction. Often, men train themselves to need an excessive amount of erotic and physical stimulation to stay aroused.

What You Need When Your Partner Has ED

Your needs still matter—emotionally, relationally, and sexually.

Support and Understanding

ED impacts both partners. You deserve empathy and care too. It’s okay to ask your partner to acknowledge how this is affecting you and to walk this path with you, not alone.

Open and Honest Communication

Avoiding the topic only deepens the distance. Honest, compassionate conversations—about fear, shame, desire, grief, and hope—are essential.

These conversations can feel awkward at first, but they often open the door to greater trust, vulnerability, and intimacy.

Affection and Intimacy (Beyond Intercourse)

Intimacy is far more than penetration. Touch, kissing, cuddling, sensual play, emotional closeness, and erotic connection all matter.

A relationship does not need to become sexless just because erections are unreliable.

Connection and Closeness

ED can create emotional distance if you let it. It can also become an invitation to deepen connection in new ways—if both partners are willing.

A Crucial Piece: Performance Anxiety

For many men, erectile dysfunction is driven—or significantly worsened—by performance anxiety. Fear of “failing,” pressure to perform, and past sexual disappointments can create a self-reinforcing cycle where anxiety itself prevents erections.

If this resonates, I strongly recommend reading this for a deeper explanation:
Why performance anxiety causes erectile dysfunction

This is also why medication alone doesn’t always solve the problem. PDE-5 inhibitors like Viagra can help with blood flow, but they do not resolve anxiety, fear, or the psychological pressure many men experience.

You can learn more about that medication in this article:
Why the little blue pill doesn’t always fix erectile dysfunction

When performance anxiety is part of the picture, addressing the mind-body connection is essential.

What Helped My Partner and Me

Even as a sex therapist, navigating ED in my own relationship was humbling. Knowledge doesn’t eliminate emotion. But here’s what truly made a difference.

We Treated ED as a Couple’s Issue

My partner was willing to seek medical care, including seeing a physician and a urologist, and trying appropriate treatments. But just as importantly, we approached ED as our shared challenge—not his personal failure.

Language matters. This was something we worked on together.

We Learned to Communicate Better

Some conversations were uncomfortable. Some were awkward. All were necessary.

Over time, those conversations created safety. Vulnerability increased. Trust deepened. And that emotional intimacy spilled over into our sexual connection.

We Redefined Sex

Letting go of the “intercourse = real sex” model was transformative. Sex became anything that felt pleasurable, erotic, connecting, or playful.

This shift removed pressure, reduced anxiety, and opened space for genuine desire to return.

We Let Sex Be Fun Again

Once erections were no longer the center of attention, sex became lighter, more creative, and more adventurous. We explored fantasies, toys, new forms of touch, and new ways of being intimate.

What had once felt tense and fragile became playful and alive again.

Support If You’re Still Struggling

If performance anxiety is playing a role in your relationship, I highly recommend my The #1 ED Culprit: Overcome Performance Anxiety Workshop. It’s designed to help individuals and couples reduce anxiety, rebuild confidence, and restore sexual connection.

You may also benefit from my comprehensive course on erectile dysfunction, designed specifically for partners and couples navigating this journey together.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to feel resentful when my partner has ED?
Yes. Resentment often arises when needs go unmet and emotions go unspoken. It’s a signal—not a moral failure—that something important needs attention.

Should I stop initiating sex to avoid pressuring my partner?
Not necessarily. What matters is how you initiate and whether there is open communication about expectations and fears. Avoidance often increases distance.

Can a relationship survive ED long-term?
Absolutely. Many relationships not only survive but become stronger when ED is addressed with honesty, creativity, and support.

Is medication enough to fix ED?
Sometimes, but not always. When anxiety, shame, or relationship dynamics are involved, medication alone is often insufficient.

Do my sexual needs still matter?
Yes. Always. ED does not invalidate your desire for intimacy, pleasure, or connection.

If you see yourself in this post, know this: you are not alone, you are not unreasonable, and there is help. With the right support and mindset, ED does not have to define—or diminish—your relationship.