For Some People, Pornography is Harmful and a Slippery Slope
TL;DR
Pornography is not inherently harmful, but for some people, pornography is harmful. It can negatively impact sexual functioning, emotional intimacy, self-worth, and relationships. Excessive or hidden use may contribute to shame, escalation of arousal needs, confusion about sexual identity, erectile dysfunction, and erosion of trust between partners. Based on my clinical experience as a certified sex therapist, pornography requires mindful use, transparency, and clear boundaries—especially in midlife relationships.
Proceed with caution.
For many years, I remained largely neutral on the question of whether pornography is harmful. As a certified sex therapist, I believed there was a place for pornography in some individuals’ and couples’ lives—if it was used intentionally, openly, and in moderation.
But over time, my clinical experience has shifted my perspective.
Pornography itself is not inherently wrong. It is designed as entertainment, not education. The problem arises when people begin to rely on pornography as their primary source of sexual arousal, stress relief, or understanding of what sex should look like between partners. In those cases, pornography can gradually reshape arousal patterns, expectations, and emotional intimacy—often in ways that undermine real-life relationships.
Why I’ve Changed My Mind About Pornography
I grew up in a conservative household, attended a military college, and served in the military. For much of my life, I held conservative views. However, one of the benefits of becoming a certified sex therapist is the depth of training required—not just clinically, but personally. That training helped me grow into a more open, curious, and accepting person, particularly toward people whose sexual preferences, belief systems, lifestyles, and approaches to sex differ from my own.
During my journey of becoming a sex therapist, I explored my own values and beliefs about sexuality and pornography more deeply. And I became more open-minded and liberal in my thinking.
I strive to love and accept people for who they are, not who I think they should be, regardless of our differences. That commitment has not been easy, especially in today’s political climate. Like many, I’ve experienced grief over strained or lost relationships with people whose views no longer align with mine. I’ve spent many hours processing those feelings.
Despite my commitment to openness, remaining neutral about pornography has become impossible—because of the impact I’ve witnessed in my clinical work.
Pornography Is Entertainment—Not Sex Education
Pornography is designed to entertain, not to teach people how to have mutually satisfying, emotionally connected sex. Unfortunately, many people unconsciously absorb pornographic images and scripts as templates for what sex should look like.
In reality, pornography often portrays sex that is performative, exaggerated, emotionally disconnected, and focused on visual novelty rather than closeness and connection. It lacks what therapists call relational attunement - being in emotional sync with your partner. When people mistake porn for a model of healthy sexuality, problems often arise.
Why Neutrality Became Impossible for Me
After working with hundreds of clients across different life stages, I’ve come to a clear conclusion: for some people, pornography is harmful—not only to their sex lives, but to their sense of self and their relationships.
While some people use pornography occasionally without significant consequences, others—most often men—experience escalating use, feelings of shame, sexual dysfunction, and problems in their relationships. The rapid evolution of online content and artificial intelligence has only intensified these risks. AI has blown the possibilities for custom erotica out of the water: with the right prompt, you can create customized pornographic images, videos and audio erotica. You can design the features of the people in your custom pornographic to look, act and talk the way you desire, and you can even include yourself in the content. I imagine a teenager 5 years from now have an online love affair with their AI bot and exploring a sexual relationship with their bot through custom pornography. This idea frightens me to the core because it has the potential to create a subset of society that chooses to live in an AI fantasty world versus engaging in real-life, meaningful relationships. How isolating and shallow that would be.
How Pornography Becomes Harmful for Some People
There are several reasons pornography can become problematic:
It can spiral into out-of-control sexual behavior
It often elicits shame and secrecy
It may create confusion about sexual identity
It can escalate arousal needs over time
It can contribute to erectile dysfunction
It can erode trust and emotional connection in relationships
Let’s explore each of these concerns.
Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior vs. the Addiction Model
I have worked with clients who spend six to eight hours a day masturbating to pornography. This level of use affects their work, relationships, and ability to function in daily life. Many sex therapists conceptualize this as out-of-control sexual behavior.
Some Christian therapists frame this behavior as sex addiction. I understand the comparison—both addiction and out-of-control sexual behavior involve craving dopamine, escalating stimulation, and diminished self-regulation.
However, I disagree with two central aspects of the addiction model.
Why the Addiction Model Can Cause Harm
First, addiction treatment often emphasizes abstinence. While abstinence may be appropriate for substances like alcohol or drugs, I do not believe it is realistic—or healthy—to prescribe abstinence from sexual activity or masturbation. I have even heard some therapists claim that masturbation constitutes cheating, a belief that often contributes to unnecessary marital rupture.
Most pornography users are not attempting to betray their partners; they are seeking arousal, relief, or escape.
Second, I find the addiction model deeply shaming. Shame communicates “I am bad,” rather than “my behavior is causing problems.” Shame drives secrecy, isolation, and hiding—conditions that perpetuate the very behaviors people are trying to change.
Healing requires compassion, curiosity, and openness—not moral condemnation.
Pornography, Shame, and Sexual Identity Confusion
Many of my heterosexual clients began viewing pornography at a young age. Over time, they became desensitized to mainstream heterosexual content and gravitated toward increasingly diverse or extreme material, including gay, BDSM, kink, or transgender pornography.
This often led to confusion and distress about their sexual identity. Some feared they might be gay or transgender simply because they were aroused by these images.
Through therapeutic exploration, they came to understand that escalating novelty is a common response to frequent pornography use—and that arousal to diverse content does not necessarily indicate a change in sexual orientation or identity. This realization often brought profound relief.
How Pornography Can Rewire the Arousal System
Certified sex therapists frequently help clients explore their erotic templates—what turns them on and what turns them off. One helpful framework is the dual control model of sexual response. Educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. created a spin on this model that made it much more understandable for people.
She compared arousal to driving a car: some things press the gas, while others press the brakes. To become aroused, the brakes must first be released.
When pornography is used excessively, it trains the brain to require higher levels of stimulation to activate arousal. This conditioning can work during solo masturbation but fail during partnered sex, where stimulation is more nuanced and relational.
For example, someone accustomed to highly stylized, exaggerated pornography may struggle to become aroused with a real-life partner whose body, behaviors, or sexual expression differ from those images.
Pornography, Erectile Dysfunction, and Performance Anxiety
I am seeing increasing numbers of men experiencing erectile dysfunction linked to heavy pornography use combined with problematic masturbation techniques—fast motion, no lubrication, and excessive grip.
When the body becomes conditioned to that level of stimulation, partnered sex may feel insufficient. In fact, there’s no way a woman’s soft sexual parts can stimulate a penis used to a tight grip with lots of friction. This reduced stimulation results in erectile difficulties. And when erections fail, shame and anxiety often follow, reinforcing a cycle of performance anxiety and sexual avoidance.
If you want to learn more about this pattern, you may be interested in my online workshop: The #1 ED Culprit: Mastering Performance Anxiety.
How Pornography Can Damage Trust and Emotional Intimacy
Pornography use—especially when hidden—can severely damage relational trust. I’ve worked with many couples whose relationships unraveled after one partner discovered the other’s pornography use through browser history or digital footprints.
Partners often experience shock, betrayal, anger, disgust, and grief. In relationships where sexual communication is limited or sex is fairly vanilla, exposure to a partner’s fantasies can feel destabilizing and deeply threatening.
Rebuilding intimacy after such discoveries is often slow and complex, similar to rebuilding a relationship after one partner has an affair.
When Pornography Impacts Self-Worth in Relationships
Some partners are unbothered by pornography. Others feel deeply wounded by it.
Common concerns include:
“I’m not attractive enough.”
“I wish he could desire me instead.”
“I feel compared and inadequate.”
These emotional injuries deserve attention and care—not dismissal.
Pornography and Midlife Couples
For midlife couples, pornography often carries added weight.
Midlife intimacy often changes because relationships are already navigating menopause, erectile changes, health concerns, caregiving stress, and shifting identities. When sexual connection feels vulnerable, pornography can intensify insecurity, avoidance, and emotional distance.
For some men, pornography becomes a refuge from performance anxiety. For some women, it reinforces feelings of invisibility or replacement.
The greatest risk is not pornography itself, but secrecy and substitution—when porn replaces communication, emotional intimacy, or collaborative problem-solving around desire.
Healing in midlife often involves honest conversations, reducing shame, addressing sexual changes directly, and rebuilding erotic connection in ways that feel mutual and safe.
Proceed With Caution: Final Thoughts
I believe there may be a time and place for pornography—but it has a slippery slope. How intentionally and transparently it is used determines whether it enhances or undermines sexual and relational health.
My advice: proceed with caution.
